Thanks, but no

This past weekend we hosted a murder mystery party. The theme was that of a posh eighteenth-century masquerade. Guests arrived in costume themed to the period and each with their own mask tied to the identity of the character they were playing, ranging from the Countess to Bluebird, Dove, Lion, Weasel, and so forth. We had done this once prior (then a gilded, Gatsby-age theme), and it was a lot of fun. But truth be told, there’s little mystery to the game. Rather it most akin to reading a script and acting out the parts of a mystery, as in a play. There is no real way to deduce who the murderer is: it’s entirely random and any one of the guests could be the culprit. The fun is in the dressing up and being able to play a goofy role with flair and style. Ostensibly this is done in a low-key, zero stress manner.

If you are attending, most likely you are comfortable with those in the party and the dynamic, right? The thing is, that’s somewhat of an assumption. One of our group who was slated to attend ended up backing out at the last minute. Now, we all know one another pretty well. In fact most of this group went out only a few months back and shared a fine meal with good drinks and conversation. Many laughs were had, and this person spoke as much as anyone else there. But when it came time to take on a persona and, for a few moments here and there, take the spotlight, they found the dynamic too uncomfortable to join in. And you know what, that’s okay. We all missed this person to be sure, but we also got it too.

We each have our own things—the older I get and the worse my tinnitus becomes, the less tolerant I am of larger groups and loud noises. I know that can be frustrating for others. I mean, what says fun quite like small, quiet groups? But the alternative, for me, is likewise frustrating and sometimes outright painful. So when someone feels like they can’t join in for their own personal reasons, that resonates with me. Does it suck? Sure, yeah. But it’s also not the end of the world, and it helped the rest of the group think of ways this person could attend a later mystery in a way that might be more comfortable to them: maybe they just dress up and help keep track of logistical things. They can mingle and chat with everyone, just not in persona. And so forth.

And even if that doesn’t do it for them, it’s no big deal. There will be other ways we can and will interact. It’s unfair to expect everyone to always be game and excited for what the group wants to do. It’s always nice to have variety and spice, but that also means it’s just that much more imporant to be able to extend folks the courtesy and understanding of opting out when those plans might not suit, for whatever reason.