Suddenly You're Old

Last week there was a point at which I stepped back from my desk and took stock of just how old I seem to have become. There I was in my slippers, soft jazz playing on my computer (because I no longer have the focus for lyrics), cushion on my chair (because my back hurts and I can't use my standing desk as long as I used to), green tea sitting on my desk (because my stomach can't take my usual stream of coffee). I knew that, at the end of the day, I would close my laptop and walk away. No side projects or gaming or working into the evening like I used to.

This didn't happen all at once of course, these things all snuck up on me, and I'm not upset, more bemused (the way an old person might be). The standard joke right now is that every month of 2020 and 2021 is a year, and I'll be damned if that doesn't feel like the literal truth. There was a time where I'd have been horrified by my lack of drive. I lived for whatever side project or technical book or highly-involved game I was into at the time. But here I am, happy to sit and write or read a bit, or casually play the guitar without much of an aim.

On those occassions where I do try to power through and knock something out after hours, I get a pretty resolute "nope" that runs from my scalp down my shoulders, and gravity seems to reach up from the earth and tug my arms to my sides. Nowdays I don't fight it, I listen to the Nope and shuffle to my chair.